It's funny, growing up. Just when you think it's over, that you're a grown-up now, something new happens and you realise you're probably still just a kid, really.
I've never properly lost a friend, until recently. Obviously I've had friends that I'm no longer really friends with, but that's mainly been due to either growing apart or moving away. And I've never really lost someone who I expected to be around forever. It's always been people I wasn't too fussed about.
Anyway, recently I've lost a friend. I'd have called her a best friend, actually, but she obviously didn't feel the same way. Someone who's been there through good and bad, laughed until we cried and held me when I was sad. I'd like to think I've done the same for her, but perhaps she doesn't see it that way. I suppose we've always been different in lots of ways, but we've always laughed about it, always seen the ways we're similar as more important.
A few months ago I realised I hadn't been hearing from her so often. And that when I had it was because I'd been pestering her, rather than because she'd bothered to get in contact with me. No problem, this friend had gone off the radar before, I'd just send her a message telling her how much I missed her and did she want to meet up soon. So I sent the message, she read it, but I never got a reply. Then I started to notice things, on Facebook and from people we knew. The friend going to parties, or having parties and not inviting me. Ditching on me and then meeting up with other people. Messages through the grapevine that she was "happy to hang out with me" as long as my boyfriend wasn't there. That's the only clue I have for why she's disappeared. And it seems like such a small, petty reason so disappear that I can't help but feel that there must be something more to it. I just don't know what it could be.
I'm not writing this to bitch the friend out, or to question her reasons for cutting me out of her life. I'm just...writing. Knowing I've upset her somehow, and being able to do nothing about it, feels awful. It's like at school, when everyone suddenly turns against you, and you don't know why. To begin with you keep trying to make everyone like you again, but after a while you just give up and get on as best you can. At least at school though, there was an ending in sight. I knew that one day I would get out into the big wide world, where I had hundreds of friends and stuff was settled by talking about it, not by the silent treatment.
I guess maybe this post is just me trying to make sense of things. Because honestly, at the moment I feel like my heart has been fucking broken. I'd pretty much do anything to make it right, but I can't because I don't know what I need to do. I've never really been dumped (except for once, when I was 16, by text...not that I'm bitter), but I guess this is what it feels like. I miss her every day. Something funny will happen and I'll want to tell her about it, then remember that I can't. I'll feel sad and know that she's the only one who can make me snap out of it. We have so much water under the bridge between us that I never thought we'd grow apart, but now we have. As melodramatic as it sounds, it feels like a part of me has died.
If the friend is reading this, I hope she feels the same way. I hope she send me a text, or gives me a call. Even if it's just to tell me why she suddenly hates me. I hope we can sort something out.
